I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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