I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
