Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
