If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
