Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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