I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
