Will you blow on my dice?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize