FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize