There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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