"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
FUCK WHALES
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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