Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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