That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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