The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
