Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
