his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
