I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
