I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
