Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
