I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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