Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
