T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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