I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
