I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
