alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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