i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
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