We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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