Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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