so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
