i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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