There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
