Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
