we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
