My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
