Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
