I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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