Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
