My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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