FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
