Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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