Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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