Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
