is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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