There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
