I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
