fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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