I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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