you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
