dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
