I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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