ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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