I met the friendliest cop last night
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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