My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
