shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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