who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
