I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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