Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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