Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
